Warning: If you are my mother this post may be tough for you to read, but stick through until the end please. Actually, everyone stick through to the end please. I promise it won’t be too long.
It’s not you Germany…it’s me. It just isn’t working…I need to move on…You are moving in one direction and I need to go in another. Look, it’s been great, but I think it’s time we see other people.
That’s how I felt like last Saturday. I felt like I was no longer committed to staying in Germany, I wanted to go home, to be with family, to be with my old friends. I wanted to end my relationship with this country and this continent. I felt as if I was drowning, like it was time for me to move on because I couldn’t survive being here any longer. Last Saturday was rough, Sunday wasn’t much better. I was able to talk to some friends and my parents on Sunday, but that only made me miss home more. I was lonely, I wasn’t feeling loved by people here (which I know is utter crap) and I wanted to go where I knew the love would be felt…I wanted to run.
I essentially hid in my apartment for the better part of two days. It’s not like I was turning down other engagements, but I wasn’t actively seeking them either. I left my apartment only to get food.
Monday left me in the same place as the weekend, with the only difference that I had to go to work. I had to engage with other people. It didn’t change much, but the week started to turn. The real reality, and not the fake reality that I was allowing myself to believe, showed its pretty face. I got an e-mail with a simple question appeared in my inbox. It said: “Are you free for dinner some day this or next week?” That’s it, that was what I needed. I needed someone to remind me that they want to spend time with me.
Before work on Tuesday I ran into an acquaintance who asked me how I was doing, but not in a flippant way, he wanted to know. For some reason, I told him how I was missing some of the types of friendships that I had in Toledo and Waldorf. He immediately said, let me think about some stuff and we will do something about it. Today we’re grabbing lunch.
The next day at work, my supervisor asked me what he could do to help me with my very unspecific prayer request and he wanted a real answer. He truly wanted to help, so I told him. He responded, but not out of a sense of duty (at least I hope), but again out of friendship. Wednesday was dinner and games with his family and we had a good time. Tonight I have dinner plans with friends.
These are the things I need to remember on a regular basis. This is how God is providing for me. He knows my wants, my needs, everything and He will provide. When I feel like it would be better in Toledo, I need to remember God has called me here and He knows it is better for me here.
Today is a good day.